New Roots

The theme of this blog is about books, but it is also about growth. I thought my first post would be about the former and not the latter, but life works differently than planned sometimes. 

Dinner was a little bit different tonight. Not the food, but the company. Sitting at the dining room table was my husband of 20 years, J, and his girlfriend, N. The conversation is easy going and she and I are both laughing at something J does that drives us crazy. Oddly enough, she and I consider each other friends and we have bonded in a weird way over this whole process.

Accepting what never was is so freeing. I don’t think I have been this happy in many years. Even J can see the change in me. J and I never really fit together. We grew to love each other, but not in the way anyone would consider the kind of love to make a marriage last. I am proud to say that we made it almost 20 years and it ended on a positive note. 

I lie here in the bed we shared thinking about all of the things we did and didn’t do; the things we said and didn’t say. How not facing what we weren’t doing and saying prolonged the inevitable. Sleeping alone in this bed will take some getting used to. The crown in the center of the bed reminding me two occupants once slept here, staying separate for so long. Not that I plan on sleeping alone all of the time. I have a date (an overnight one at that) coming up with someone that I have been wanting to reconnect with for a while. I actually feel like I should be feeling when I am with him. Conversation flows smoothly and he knows exactly how to keep the night going with me. 

Through this process I have learned that I am not broken. That there isn’t something wrong with me. That I am beautiful. That I can achieve whatever I want. I am strong. I am confident. I can embrace being me. I do consider myself lucky, even under the circumstances. The ending of this story is a happy one and the next will be the best to come.