Maybe I Should Talk to Someone

I went to the doctor's office the other day for a new ailment that had come up. Since entering my 40's that seems to be happening more frequently than I would like. At the end of my appointment, my doctor asked if the new lower dosage of my Prozac was still helping me cope with life. I recently saw her when I came for my yearly medication review, so I knew this wasn't just a casual question to wrap up the end of my visit. It’s a small town, and your physician knows more about you than you reveal in their office.  

When I saw her last I thought I was doing well. I was managing my stress better, making better choices regarding what to give a f*ck about and what not to give a f*ck about (more on that another time). Now my life has completely turned on its head and I feel like I am treading water. I would prefer not to up my meds every time something new comes up, but with this specific issue I am going to need a pill, a life raft, and an occasional shot of Fireball. Her suggestion - make an appointment with a therapist. I think Fireball would be the quicker option, but my liver would probably prefer I go the therapy route.

I am certainly not opposed to therapy. When I can’t figure something out, talking to someone always helps everything in my brain click into place. I obviously can't spill my innermost feelings to my soon-to-be-ex-husband (we get along better than we have in 20 years, but he is the reason I am in this situation) and I'm most definitely not going to have a neutral ear with my mother (the words “I could see there was something wrong” are coming to mind). I needed a neutral, patient listener that wouldn't judge me. Someone that can help me make sense of what I was feeling. So, I made my appointment with the therapist and waited. 

What does anyone and everyone do before embarking on therapy? Read about therapy, of course. In 2019 (or 2020) when I was working in the library, there was a big buzz about a book by the therapist, Lori Gottlieb, titled “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed.” I know I'm a few years late to the party, but this book immediately came to mind after scheduling my appointment.

At 412 pages this wasn't an overnight read. However, it was engaging enough for me to finish it quickly. It ended up being a 38 tag-er (I put a little tag on the page next to something I like), which is proof I learned something or liked something along the way. It was funny, relatable, and informative.

I resonated most with the following bits:

“People often mistake numbness for nothingness, but numbness isn’t the absence of feelings, it’s a response to being overwhelmed with too many feelings.” 

I know I have been numb since the night I blew up the air mattress for my husband’s girlfriend, but now I am realizing that I have been numb for much much longer. 

“Therapists talk a lot about how the past informs the present - how our histories affect the ways we think, feel, and behave and how at some point in our lives, we have to let go of the fantasy of creating a better past. If we don’t accept the notion that there’s no redo, much as we try to get our parents or siblings or partners to fix what happened years ago, our pasts will keep us stuck. Changing our relationship to the past is a staple of therapy. But we talk far less about how our relationship to the future informs the present too. Our notion of the future can be just as powerful a roadblock to change as our notion of the past…….We tend to think that the future happens later, but we’re creating it in our minds every day. When the present falls apart, so does the future we had associated with it. And having the future taken away is the mother of all plot twists. But if we spend the present trying to fix the past or control the future, we remain stuck in place, in perpetual regret.” 

Do I wish my past had turned out differently? Who doesn’t? Do blame J for things in life I have missed out on? You betcha. However, I would disagree that my future has been taken away; it’s just going to be different (maybe even better) than what I had imagined before. I don’t want to live in regret. I want to change what I focus on: the present, here and now. 

“Many of us take for granted the people we love and the things we find meaningful, only to realize, when our deadline is announced, that we'd been skating by on the project: our lives.”

I feel loss and guilt every day thinking about how I had taken for granted someone important to me. I thought they would always be right there, waiting for me to come around. He did wait for me, but I didn’t fight to come around before it was too late.

Give this book a try and maybe you will find something that speaks to you too.